Perseverance and the Circle of Confusion

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To me, this photo represents Perseverance. I actually named it that. (see LeeVannPhotography.com ) ***cheap plug alert***

Perseverance means different things to different people. There is a whole a spectrum of personal meanings. To some, it means to never be satisfied with what, or how much you have; “Always persevere for more.” To some, it means to keep on the right track for your plan and never veer off course no matter how hard it gets, so that you can make it to retirement and then, and only then, enjoy your life. For some, it means just trying to survive, mentally or physically. Literally trying to stay alive in some cases.

My definition deals with my depression and the “Circle of Confusion” that works against me. For me, Perseverance means to keep exploring myself internally to see the whys and hows of what makes me feel different ways, instead of sitting in my comfort zone. I spend an enormous amount of time inside my own head. I assume that comes from being an extreme introvert. I am super-happy (actual medical term ….not!) sitting on the sidelines, watching what’s going on, trying to figure out what people are saying, and even more importantly, what they really mean while they are saying it. People’s intentions and actions rarely seem to match.

Being introverted has left me with a keen sense of who is full of shit. I can smell it within 2 minutes of meeting someone, or upon fist site from across the room. It’s almost a feeling of repulsion they give me. It makes me almost gag and I have to walk away before I am self-forced to tell them that I see them for what they are. I can also sense when people have a “Face” on and are hiding their depression, anxieties of life, or other problems. I may not be able to identify which particular problem they are dealing with, but I can easily see something is definitely there. It’s almost like a rhythm of actions, mannerisms and vibes that people give off that shout at me and tell me where their head is. I say shout, because I can’t turn it off if I wanted to. Of course after seeing something in someone, my depression then tells me to look in the mirror to see how those things apply to me.   (And usually will WAY over exaggerate the extent to which they do)

That’s the circle I live in. Spending a vast majority of time inside my own head, identifying things in others, then mirroring it to myself; therefore back inside my head I go. That circle keep me occupied, or distracted, to the point that I miss the small things that matter most to my loved ones, like a simple thank you or bringing home some flowers to brighten my wife’s day. It’s not that I don’t have manners or am being rude on purpose, it simply doesn’t occur to me. My mind is actually full of other things at the time. I wonder if that is the point of anti-depressants and therapy? To calm the whirling circle-dance, or tornado, long enough to make sense of what is going on, or has gone on in my life. I am diligent in my Perseverance to pursue a balance between the satisfaction I get from comfortably sitting inside myself, and being aware that there are others in my life that I can simply enjoy being around without constantly evaluating motive and thought perspectives. If I can reach that balance, I will have accomplished something that seemed insurmountable in my life jus a couple of years ago. I will keep on, keeping on!  Lee

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One thought on “Perseverance and the Circle of Confusion

  1. Emilee

    Lee,
    What an amazing insight to how you feel. Your openness is bound to slp lots of people!

    I love you and I am very proud of you!

    Like

    Reply

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